# Contemporary couples: the challenge of sharing

The pursuit of equality is not the problem; the problem is when equality is read as constant comparison and a tally of who does how much.

- Section: Culture & Management
- Published: November 13, 2026
- Address: https://ceoone.com.br/en/article/contemporary-couples-the-challenge-of-sharing
- Em português: https://ceoone.com.br/artigo/casais-contemporaneos-desafio-de-compartilhar.md

![Flávio Lôbo Guimarães, wearing a white polo shirt, smiles in front of a bookshelf and a painting of a boat](https://pub-b80e49b2737940b3ab5d3f20d0578192.r2.dev/artigos/casais-contemporaneos-desafio-de-compartilhar-foto-horizontal.webp)

Photo: Personal archive

## Key points

- Contemporary couples, though free and independent, struggle to negotiate roles in the transition to parenthood, and divorce often produces the sharing of responsibilities that marriage could not.
- Exacerbated individualism and the decline of institutions weaken the sense of community and make it harder to sustain projects that demand sacrifice, mutual dependence and everyday cooperation.
- The pursuit of equality is not the problem; the problem is when it becomes constant comparison and a tally of effort, a pursuit of symmetry in which the other person's limitations are read as lack of commitment.

*By Flávio Lôbo Guimarães*

"My marriage may have been a failure, but my divorce was a success," said a patient who had begun individual psychotherapy. A divorced mother of a young son, she admitted to a thought that is not usually spoken aloud: "It feels so good to come home on Friday knowing my son is at his father's house." This was a pleasure she confessed with embarrassment and guilt. "Do I not love my own son?"

It was not the only time I have heard a confession like this in my office, and it would be very tempting to simply judge it as immature and selfish. But that woman's drama deserves a careful look, because it speaks to the time we live in, and that is what I intend to reflect on in this brief text.

Our grandparents lived in a more predictable world, with rigidly defined family roles. Today, men and women must negotiate roles, expectations and responsibilities that once seemed settled in advance.

Feminist achievements have expanded women's freedom, bringing profound changes to the dynamics of marital relationships. All of these advances were truly fundamental, but they are far from avoiding contradictions or shielding people from suffering. So what are the challenges facing so-called contemporary couples?

Looking at divorce helps us understand some of the dilemmas of contemporary couples. In my clinical practice, I hear women report that, after the marriage ended, many fathers began to take on more responsibility for the children than they did while married. They admit that this eased the climate of animosity, strengthened the partnership with the former spouse and allowed both to regain some room for a personal life.

But must there be a divorce for such significant changes to take place in the organization of a contemporary parenting pair? Why are free and independent people failing to negotiate their roles in the transition to parenthood?

## The exacerbation of individualistic values

The modern ideal of individual autonomy helped secure rights in society and within the family. But the more recent exacerbation of these values has also had a negative impact. In our time, the decline of institutions loosens the bonds of belonging. If we have gained freedom, we have lost the sense of community, making it harder to sustain projects that demand sacrifice, mutual dependence and everyday cooperation.

## Symmetrical equality and competition

To understand the transition to parenthood, looking at gender issues is essential. To set them aside would be to allow differences that are cultural to be treated as natural. Today, the fluidity of social norms and gender roles makes constant negotiation of tasks necessary if a couple is to arrive at an equal distribution. The pursuit of equality is not the problem; the problem is when equality is read as constant comparison and a tally of who does how much.

As a couples therapist, I try to bring conversational games to the surface. It is not only a matter of what is said, but of how it is said. At times, it seems the spouses are standing at the podiums of a political debate, trying to convince the audience that their opponent's arguments are absurd:

"I get home exhausted from work and the first thing she does is hand me the baby!"

"I wish I were working comfortably at a computer, chatting with colleagues, having a coffee. That would be rest!"

I have the impression that, this way, competitive logic ends up contaminating the legitimate pursuit of equality. That pursuit, which should be a project the couple shares, turns into an arena of individual claims. What emerges is what I call the pursuit of symmetry: the idea that every difference represents an injustice to be corrected.

"He can't get the baby to sleep because he doesn't want to."

"I'd love to be at home, able to sleep during the day to make up for the sleepless nights with the baby!"

In this logic, the other person's difficulties are no longer seen as real limitations and come to be read as a lack of effort or commitment.

I return, then, to the patient who started this reflection. Perhaps her relief on Fridays was not a sign of lovelessness toward her son. Perhaps it revealed only the exhaustion of someone who had to carry, for too long, responsibilities that could have been shared. Her suffering speaks to the difficulties many couples face in reorganizing their lives when they stop being only romantic partners and also become father and mother. The transition to parenthood remains one of the most complex tasks of the family life cycle, and perhaps one of the greatest challenges of our time is finding ways to get through it without the freedom we have won turning into loneliness.

*Flávio Lôbo Guimarães is a psychologist and psychotherapist.*

## Sources and editorial notes

- Originally published in O Estado de S. Paulo, Espaço Aberto section, page A6, on November 13, 2026. Republished with permission.

CEO ONE · https://ceoone.com.br